A question of timing
by TrekDr
Summary: Year of Hell ficlet. Someone is definitely not happy to have a birthday: the body clock is ticking away at reaching the big four zero, and there is a time bending species blowing your ship to pieces. A reminder then of time and your time lost is not likely to be a good gift however you dress up the story. J/C as always. Mild swearing. In canon. [not my characters, not for profit]
1. Chapter 1 - day 65, a birthday gift

Damn him. Damn him, damn him, damn him.

These latest weeks, months, whatever, have been most definitely the worst. Worse than stranding us here in the first place. When will I learn to just back the hell off. You would think I might learn, but no, I see a Krenim bully, and instead of just going the hell around their space, I insist that we are going to damn well punch our way through it.

Even Chakotay didn't raise a fuss, and he is usually irritatingly good at damn well pissing me off with his lack of ... hmm, I guess I don't really want to finish this sentence.

So here I am, in the dark, fixing some piece of my damn ship that is broken, and I feel that I am broken with her and he waltzes up to me. I am hoping that he will cheer me slightly, usually he has some gentle anecdote to soothe me, but no. Not this time, dammit. No, instead, he reminds me that it is my birthday. Damn him to hell. Of all the things I was hoping to pass by unnoticed, my fortieth birthday was definitely high on the list. I don't know what the hell he wants, a medal? He is just lucky I didn't damn well bust him down to ensign. Forty. My hopes and dreams of marriage, kids, all damned well swallowed up in one enormous quadrant. Permanent, unmitigated captain duty, watching my life just damn well roll on by.

Then, as if he can damn well see the ratchet, he turns it one more time. It is a chronometer. Yes, Yes, it has a touching story to it to show his faith, but it mocks me. A damn silver timepiece that actually audibly ticks. 'no kids, no life, no ship, just hell' well that is what I think the damn thing is telling me. I can't bear to look at it mocking me. Time, something that is flowing inexorably away.

Then, when i told him to recycle the damn thing, I didn't even need to look up to see the damn hurt in his eyes. I am a cold hearted woman today, I just want to be left the hell alone to get through this in my own damn way. Instead I punished him, lashed out my hurt at him. All unfair. Just because it would be so easy, so damned easy to say to hell with trying. To hell with the hard options to get us all home. It would be so easy to just let him truly soothe my hurts, accept that gift that he offers every damned day. To truly make a life here, accept the love that I truly crave, share the dreams. Instead, I hurt him, force him to take a step back, take pitiable pride that someone else can feel a part of my pain. And now, I am still mending the plasma relays, alone, but now the anger has become sorrow, and that is much harder to bear.

Damn him. Damn him, damn him, damn him.


	2. Chapter 2 - days 67-70 remembered

Neelix and I wander into the semi demolished crew quarters. I am horrified to see that it is Chakotay's quarters, all his precious belongings are torn, fire struck and damaged. It stops me in my tracks. I had pretty much stopped feeling, stopped all sensations of love, regret, anger. Stopped being human, instead I am an automaton parading as a captain. However, looking at the room, it shattered some of the glass surrounding my heart, my...feelings. I stepped further in the room, and my tricorder picked up the metal. It was that damned chronometer. He hadn't recycled it. He disobeyed my orders.

There it sat, both a momento of my folly, but also the catalyst of what came next. It can be a memory for me, a memory for us. I pick it up, willing the tears I have not shed for countless weeks to pass. It is 3 months since he gave me this gift. 3 months of desperation. 3 months since I ordered the crew to abandon ship, since I hugged B'elanna, promising to return Paris and Chakotay to the ship. Putting on my captain mask, I attach it to my belt. I will have something of Chakotay with me until the end. Smiling and joking with Neelix, I made it through the rest of the inspection until I can have some privacy. I find that after all, I need to think, if for the last time, about love.

It took nearly two days after the abortive gift giving for me to go and apologise to Chakotay. I found him in his remnant of office, and asked him to join me for dinner. It is true to say that he was reluctant.

'Captain, are you sure you can spare me the time?' . The use of my title rather than my name hurt. There was no evidence of a smile, no evidence of our past camaraderie, no sign of friendship. I had hurt him. damn, I had hurt him badly.

'Chakotay' I half whispered 'i wish to, apologise' he continued to stare at me. It felt as if I was on report, not talking to my best friend.

'I am waiting, Captain' he finally said, with no inflection. I felt the tears prick behind my eyes. I just didn't know how to make this better. Dammit I realised that I couldn't live without his friendship. No, that isn't true, that I didn't want to live without it.

'I...' deep breath Janeway 'I am sorry Chakotay. Your gift was beautiful. The story moving, your care for me...' I closed my eyes to stop the tears from dripping down my cheek. 'your care for me essential. i miss you. I...' I noticed that he must have moved whilst my eyes were shut. I felt his thumb gently stroke a tear from my cheek. A traitorous tear that once one has escaped was being followed by a waterfall of tears. 'i love you' I whispered.

His lips grazed my eyes, his hands gently held my face. 'and I love you too, Kathryn'

I allowed myself to finally melt against him, letting all the armour I had built against this love dissipate, letting me finally, and utterly give in. I had no resistance left to offer. My hands moved up to trace his tattoo, to twist in his hair, to trace his solid strength against my fading determination. i needed his strength behind me. more than anything, I needed him.

i kissed him back. soft and cautious. Hesitant, after all these years of denial. I felt tears on his cheeks too, and finally opening my eyes, I saw the pleading, the love and the hope in his.

'i love you, Chakotay. I have always loved you. I need you by my side. please, please forgive me'

'oh Kathryn, there is nothing to forgive. you have done as you needed to. I, I am here for you, in any way you need me to be. let me still make your burdens lighter, in the days we have left'

he kissed me again and again. 'hold me chakotay, love me, let us at least have this' he needed no further encouragement. Our exploration of each other was slow, thorough and bittersweet, and our lovemaking both gentle and blissful. We truly belonged together.

We had three days. Three days of hope, where things started to seem like they might be possible again. Where the tide seemed to change, with the temporal shielding, the Krenim space shrinking and where we snatched some precious moments together. Three days that I hold in my heart as a talisman. Three days intertwined with this chronometer that ticks of his love wherever I walk. Three days until the Krenim took him.

I am ready now, Chakotay. I am ready to fight back.


	3. Chapter 3 - the end of time

Well, it is now or never.

The ship is only mine now. It is held together by pure stubbornness and determination, broken, patched and damn well up for a final fight and I match her. I am adamantine, durataniun and utterly resolute. This Captain is damn well going down with the ship, it is the only option left. I cannot leave her, my home and my heart are part of her. We have suffered too much. Resistance is never futile. Sometimes it is all we have left.

'Lanna attempts to change my mind, but that is indeed futile. I can see the plan unfold. It may be instinct, it may be a knack, or a lucky association of neurons that I can see some of the shadows and patterns and how they may join, but I know that Voyager is needed to make the difference. We are called. Hardest to say goodbye to Tuvok, a friend beyond compare. I know that I will see none of them again. This is truly it. They have all left, to where they should be safe. i am alone

I hold the beautiful chronometer in my hand, it is so personal, a gift from a true heart, and I let it give me what comfort it may. It has been on my belt since I found it, giving me strength to achieve what is required. I turn it over in my hands for the final time, feeling its smoothness, ticking the last minutes of Voyager, ah Chakotay, this Kathryn Janeway is not going to bring her ship home after all. It was exhilarating though whilst it lasted. I look around my empty bridge and see the ghostly shadow of my people manning stations in better times, a Voyager triumphant. I cannot ignore the sound of the last post playing in my head. For a short time, I knew love. It is enough. If this is to be it, then let us go out all guns blazing. I have had my moment, it is time to attack. I let the chronometer fall back to my belt, and take my place, take command of the fleet. It is time.

i am under no illusions. If we blast to hell this time ship of Annorax, it is likely that there will be a reset. We will all live, Voyager will be restored. If I blow the damned ship out of the sky, we will have no knowledge of this time. Chakotay and I will go back to my parameter filled standoff. Time, it has all been about time. I hold the chronometer, imprinting what I have learnt into it, my talisman to the future. If I have a hope, and I am damned short of hope, then I hope that this can be re-given in a better time, accepted with joy and be a reminder not to let what time we have slip through our fingers.

As the damage reports come in, I know, as I have always done, that this journey requires sacrifice. My sacrifice. Like my ship, I am battered, damaged, but i have the strength to do what is required. The conn is mine, all ship's controls routed through it. Chakotay and Tom are safe, there is nothing to stop me now. I can see what needs to be done. It is time to reset time. I have the heading, the gap is closing. There is a sense of peace and power in knowing that the resolution is finally here. Time's up.

I feel the crunch and then nothing, whispering his name and then there is nothing, time unravels... and is remade.


End file.
